[30/03/2015] The real suffer

The suffer has become worse than it should have been. I can’t even know what I think, I don’t know what I want to write. Words keep sticking on my head, through my brain and going away without any trace. Things are making a mess in my head. My feelings are going so down that I can’t control my acts. I’m easily driven crazy with only small jokes from my friends. I swear more often. I know I shouldn’t have done all these but you don’t know what I’ve gone through. Not all our problems are the same. I’m not the one who really likes sitting at home all day, writing about my issues and waiting for likes and comments from people (well, though encouraging comments from you guys really help me a lot. I really appreciate those who really sympathize with my troubles). Not many people really want to spend time (or pretend to spend time) listening to others’ problems, right? I don’t, either. I’m tired of hearing other people’s complaints about everything. Originally, I am a true complainer. I complain about everything, from school to housework, homework, food, weather, other people,… I’m the one who can easily find something bad to talk about when I feel bored, no matter how horrible my friends will feel (OK, it seems like I’m COMPLAINING again in this post -_-) And my family, the main reason that makes me annoyed most. No I’m not talking about how they annoy me, it’s numerous. I know I should not criticize them, as they raised me up. But I’m complaining. OK, from now on, this will be a complaining post. They don’t really make me feel comfortable in my own house. I have to watch when they will walk in my room. They’re like supervisors. They told me not to be two-faced. But how can I not be when whatever I do is always criticized? Most of the complaints come from my mom, and as I told you before, she’s harsh. I mean, she lets me have a good time, but with the whole family, not with my friends. Now that I don’t want to go out with any of them, for I’ve stayed indoors for too long. She always make decisions for me, no matter how offending I am to her opinions. My brother, not exactly a victim, but I think he went through the same situations as me. Not the same words, but the same ways we solved them. Her biggest mistakes were, she said, her to do all the housework for us. And I think she’s right, ’cause I don’t even know what I’m really good at. I want to travel around, but she says it’s to dangerous for a girl like me to go out in a world full of danger. She told me to stay at home, and when I’d finished my course, I had to work near home to live with her. I was not going to offend her until I realized something. I don’t even have a small dream. I don’t even know what I want to be. Right now, I’m learning for… nothing. Or university, that’s what my mom wants, though I told her a hundred times that attending good universities didn’t have anything to do with getting a good job. In the dream list of my class, I wrote “Interpreter”, “Book translator”, “Artist”, and I don’t even think any of them can be true. I mean, they’re to impractical to be true, especially the “Artist” one. I regret having written it, seriously. But who knows, I will still write blog if I don’t have a good job ^^ It’s a good way to improve my language. And what if I learned other languages? Who knows? Life is a package full of surprises, right?

[22/03/2015]

Biết nói gì bây giờ. Tâm trạng hiện giờ đang rất rối rắm, bế tắc. Hệt như có ai đè tảng đá lên ngực vậy. Bực bội, khó chịu. Hôm nay tâm trạng không được tốt cho lắm. Cả ngày chẳng thèm cười lấy một cái, động vào một tí là lại có một (chục) lít nước mắt tuôn ra như suối nguồn mùa lũ. Tất cả cũng đều do học hành mà ra. Không có bài kiểm tra thì lấy đâu mà bị đánh, rồi sau đó là nguyên ngày ngập tràn nước mắt (và nước mũi)? Nếu không có sự bất cẩn và cẩu thả đấy thì lấy đâu ra điểm thấp? Ơ thế thì là lỗi của mình à? Chắc vậy. Trước giờ học hành có bao giờ ra gì đâu? Toàn đâm đầu vào âm nhạc, từa lưa thứ hết. Hồi chưa có Facebook, đỡ ha, sau khi có Facebook (và ti tỉ thứ khác), điên luôn ha. Trước thức đêm cắm đầu vô bài tập ha, giờ thức đêm cắm mặt vô Facebook ha (đúng nghĩa cắm mặt luôn -_-) Trước giờ im im ha, giờ lúc nào cũng như con thần kinh bất thường ha (ngoại trừ những lúc bình thường ra :v) Cứ nghĩ mình chỉ cần giỏi một cái thôi là được rồi, ai ngờ cái mình đáng ra phải giỏi thì bây giờ lại đang yếu dần đều, còn mấy cái mình đang cố gắng nó còn tệ hơn -_-. Là cớ làm sao?

Chán, chả muốn nói gì nữa. Muốn tới đâu thì tới. Vậy thôi.

[8/3/2015] Sleepless

Another sleepless night. I haven’t had a sound sleep for a long time. I don’t remember when but it makes me annoyed. I can’t sleep. It’s neither because I drink too much black coffee at night (which happens to be my most stupid mistake ever when I once had an important exam the next day -_-) nor have too many things to think about. I just can’t sleep. Yesterday I almost cried when I opened my cellphone just to watch the time. 1:30 am in the morning, and I woke up at 5:30 (phew, at least I was not late for school). My brain just got overload these days. I have very little time to review my graduation test. Moreover, I have two exams today (??) and I swear, I can’t keep focus on the knowledge. It’s rather confusing that I tried my best to learn them by heart but… it just got worse. I can’t stop myself from wandering to heaven, dreaming of the impossibilities. When the teacher is busy talking, I’m busy murmurring lyrics, dreaming things, or just simply starring at only one point like crazy. I get mad more often, and it seems like I’m trying to put all the sins on my closest people. I’m tired of all the tests and exams that I have to take. I seriously don’t know why I have to do them. I start losing control of my feelings. Sometimes I want to cry but I can’t. Few tears and then stops. I can’t easily show my emotions anymore. It’s like I have some kind of mental disease. All I know is my life will never be back to normal again. Sufferring so damn hard from school, exams. My head keeps bubbling all the time. I still can’t sleep well and I’m afraid it totally ruins my health. It’s over 1:30 am right now and I think I’ll probably go to sleep at 2, maybe right after finishing this post. Schooling is so stressful. And the cycle just keeps going on and on, non-stop. It’s a terrible thing that I don’t always do what I’m expected to do well, schooling for instance. English is my main major, and though I haven’t gone to university yet, I still think it’s the only thing I do well without expectation. I like language. It’s great when you can talk to different people by different languages to see how interesting the cultures are. More like, I like food, and it’s terrific to try different kinds of food in different regions. It’s a miracle to see how they make different kinds of food with the same ingredients. Curiosity can kill a cat, but it’s not a bad thing to be curious about something good. Food is necessary too, you know (well, as long as you keep yourself fit after having delicious foods) If they are cooked well, it will be great to have someone to share. I can make friends with many interesting people (I don’t think my communication is good, still need to practice more). Well, now that I feel sleepy. Better sleep to get some strength for a few hours’ test. Seeya! Have a nice Sunday. Oh, and Happy Women’s Day to all the wonderful women around the world! Hope you will have a great day with your family and friends. Always respect for what you’ve done to us. Love is everywhere. Cheers!