What am I even trying for?

This was what I wrote on my Facebook wall this morning. The question popped out of my head naturally, as I realized that this could be the hardest time (of all the hard times back then and later) of my entire life. I have never been this frustrated. School things, internship, tuition fees, my unfinished certificates, the fear of graduating late, or maybe not graduating,… They make me want to cry sometimes, but I’m just too ignorant to do so. I was being careless, honestly. My gray is becoming something that I don’t want to separate from. And sometimes I feel just good to cry without people noticing. But I’m exhausted. What am I even trying for? I’m not the girl 4 years ago when I first got into college. What I was afraid now has become the truth. I have become someone I never think I would be, which I think is quite reasonable considering the time I spent on other useless things. At this point, I have nothing to regret, except for being born. I don’t know how many times I imagine a family without a useless potato a.k.a me. And the people around me would have felt so much better.

So what am I even trying for? I don’t know. I don’t want to know.

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